Wednesday, April 12, 2017

New Beginning Part 1

I am an addict. I'm am a recovering marijuana and sugar addict. I started smoking marijuana regularly a year ago and it became a daily habit after 6 months; I've been addicted to sugar for as long as I can remember. This may sound rather benign in comparison to the hard stuff and as far as the immediacy of it's health implications I would have to agree. However, let me give you an idea of what my life was like before I decided to make a change:

I would wake groggy with a headache, really wanting to stay in bed, but feeling guilty for having just slept for 9-10 hours while my husband got our daughter ready for school and made her lunch before going to work. I'd either have a bowl of cereal for breakfast or skip it because of the binge from the night before and wait as long as I could before smoking, usually around noon, but sometimes as soon as I woke up. It all depended on how much I had to do. The to-do list is always long, but if a bill was due the following day or if guests were coming over that evening, I would force myself through fatigued muscles and mind to get something done before I let the swim-y, mellow, low-grade nausea of THC plant me on the couch to watch mindless TV for at least an hour. With me on the couch were 2 bags of something sweet and a bag of something salty that would all but disappear before I fell asleep for 1-2 hours. Then I'd wake up, my neck aching from laying on the stiff couch pillow and cry. (Damn, remembering this is making me really sad.) Yes, I cried every day.

By then it was close to 4, time for my daughter to get home, and the anxiety would kick in. I was depressed, but I didn't want to bring my daughter down so I'd smoke a little more, which took away the anxiety and made my mind slow down enough to be "present" with her for a good 30 minutes to an hour when she got home. Her smiling face was such a gift when it came through the door! I would be happy to see her, but if she was too chatty or excited I got irritated and took time-outs in the bathroom - my daughter is ALWAYS chatty. She would dutifully fulfill her after-school tasks while I scrambled to make up for all the wasted time earlier in the day and I often didn't even think about dinner because I was so worried about how I'd explain my lack of activity to my husband.

Most nights, my love would come home from work and make dinner. He'd say he enjoys cooking, trying to make me feel better after seeing my puffy, tired eyes. I loved his food and ate dinner with the family, but I was usually so full from my afternoon binge that my dose of healthy food was laughably small. Since I ate a tiny dinner and I wanted to stay up to have time with my husband I got hungry and my snack of choice was, you guessed it, sugar! Our habit was to watch a show before bed and I'd smoke a lot, eat for as long as we watched and fall asleep, only to wake up multiple times in the night to pee, a common symptom of consuming too much sugar.

Pretty dismal, not too mention embarrassing and irresponsible (and infuriating for my husband). I told white lies trying to make myself look better and sometimes I took sleeping pills in the day to avoid smoking and binging. This was not benign.

I have dramatically changed my path in the last 2 weeks...

6 comments:

georgia said...

Thank you for opening up like this and sharing what you're going through. You are not alone, and you're obviously not the only person who has done or does this, so your words give others strength to be real and decide if they want to change, too. Your life is going to shift in powerful ways if you decide to let and make it, I'm sure. Let all that creative, colorful, loving energy of yours push through. Love you.

Pink said...

keep going! one day at a time, my friend. xx

Anasuya Saha said...

I am glad that you have realized life is beautiful and there no point to waste it like that. There are very few people in the world who got a second chance and you are one of them. I have full faith and believe that you can overcome your addiction and can devote your life for something better. I respect your courage and determination. Looking forward to see a new Amy soon.

Julia said...

Love you Amy. You are very courageous and I am proud of you for choosing to take back the reigns and get back on track toward your goals. I have complete faith in you.

Elvinat@comcast.net said...

I am and always will be your very proud Papa! I love you!

Dana Lynne Andersen said...

I am honored to be a part of your new life, and I am seeing something so glorious. You are a spirit so creative, so full of shining light. Because you have made the choice and taken the steps you are now on a new road. I have tremendous respect for you!